The Lost Art of Making Friends in Midlife: Rekindling Connection When It Matters Most
Remember when making friends was as simple as riding bikes around the neighborhood until the streetlights came on? Throughout our early years, friendships seemed to form effortlessly – first in classroom settings where we bonded over shared colored pencils and recess games. Then came high school, where joining the track team, drama club, or yearbook committee instantly connected us with others who shared our interests. Those Friday night football games, weekend band competitions, and prom committee meetings weren't just activities – they were friendship factories, creating bonds that felt unbreakable at the time.
For some, college continued this pattern of easy connections through dorm life, study groups, and campus organizations. But after high school or college, we began to scatter. Our young adult years sometimes brought workplace friendships, where daily collaboration and shared experiences might evolve into personal connections – though this wasn't the case for everyone. The effortless nature of childhood friendships was already starting to fade, requiring more intention to maintain and create meaningful connections.
That’s me in the green. It was 1969 and Peace signs were “very cool”!
That slumber party photo captures one of my last precious moments with childhood friends before my family moved to a new town. I remember the tears and heartache of saying goodbye to these girls who had been my constant companions. Starting over in a new school was daunting, but gradually, I formed new friendships through shared classes, activities, and the simple proximity to others my age with similar interests and experiences. Looking back, it was perhaps my first lesson in the ebb and flow of friendships – a lesson that would become increasingly relevant in midlife.
"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'" - C.S. Lewis
The Shifting Sands of Midlife Connections
Understanding the Proximity Factor
The friendship landscape shifts dramatically as we age, and much of this change comes down to what author Mel Robbins calls "the proximity factor" in her book "The Let Them Theory."
When we're young, proximity naturally creates our social circles—we're together all day in school, which effortlessly generates friendships. The same happens through high school and college. But as we enter midlife, that built-in proximity disappears.
Our children grow up and move away, taking with them the natural social connections of school events, sports teams, and parent groups. Career changes or retirement remove the daily interactions with colleagues. Moving to a new city or downsizing to a smaller home can disrupt long-established neighborhood connections.
Major life events like divorce, health challenges, or caring for aging parents can further reshape our social circles, leaving gaps where close friendships once existed. Even when we stay in the same community, the comfortable rhythm of social connection seems to require more effort than before.
Workplace relationships might offer some proximity, but colleagues aren't always in the same chapter of their personal lives, making friendships outside of work less likely to develop. Sometimes, we find ourselves drifting from long-time friends as our interests and lifestyles evolve in different directions.
This explains why so many of us wonder where all our friends have gone as we enter midlife. The natural structures that once facilitated our connections have changed, requiring us to be more intentional about creating and maintaining friendships than ever before.
Why Friendship Matters: The Science of Connection
Friendships aren't just nice to have—they're essential for our wellbeing.
The landmark Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed participants for over 80 years, found that close relationships overall were better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes. This research revealed that people who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. When it comes to friendships specifically, separate studies have linked them to better overall brain health as we age. Making time for meaningful social connection isn't just enjoyable—it's an investment in your long-term health and wellbeing.
Studies have consistently shown that social isolation significantly increases health risks across multiple systems in the body. Our bodies and minds are literally wired for connection. Meaningful friendships can:
Lower stress hormones and blood pressure
Reduce the risk of depression and anxiety
Strengthen our immune system
Provide emotional support during difficult times
Give us a sense of belonging and purpose
Increase our resilience and ability to cope with challenges
In other words, investing in friendships isn't just about having fun—it's a critical investment in your long-term health and happiness.
“The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.”
An Unexpected Silver Lining
I discovered this truth in an unexpected way during the COVID pandemic. My husband Bill and I were living in a condo complex where our neighbor interactions mainly consisted of polite waves and brief chats at the annual neighborhood meeting. We knew faces and names, but little else about the people who lived mere feet away from us.
Then the world shut down. Suddenly, our travels were canceled, family visits postponed, and we found ourselves sharing the same small space with these familiar strangers. What could have been a lonely, isolating time transformed into something magical when we started our Friday night bonfires.
The Magic of Friday Nights
Picture this: lawn chairs carefully spaced six feet apart, each person clutching their own drinks and snacks (no sharing allowed!), the warm glow of the fire creating a circle of light in our driveway. What began as a way to safely socialize during lockdown became a weekly tradition we all looked forward to. Stories were shared, laughter echoed across the driveways, and gradually, these neighbors became dear friends.
Our early "bring your own chair" events evolved to include Tiki torches, beach balls, yoga in the side yard, and polka dancing - that's a great story! We've had miniature golf tournaments, gone curling, hiked and snowshoed in all kinds of weather, shared meals, life updates and laughed - a LOT! Even though some of us have since moved from the condos, these friendship bonds remain strong and we still meet regularly. What started as a pandemic necessity blossomed into lasting friendships that enrich our lives in countless ways.
Creating New Connections
This experience taught me that friendship opportunities exist everywhere – we just need to be open to them. Since then, I've continued to build new connections through a sweet group of female entrepreneurs, weekly improv classes, where shared laughter and vulnerability create instant bonds, and my yoga community, where we connect through shared experiences and interests.
Making friends in midlife might require more intentional effort than it did in our younger years, but the rewards are just as sweet – perhaps even sweeter because we know their true value. Whether it's joining a book club, taking a class, volunteering for a cause you care about, or simply being open to connection with the people already in your orbit, the possibilities for friendship are endless.
The Beauty of Unexpected Connections
Sometimes the most meaningful connections emerge in the most unexpected places – even around a socially distanced bonfire during a global pandemic. The key is to stay open to these opportunities and be willing to take the first step. After all, chances are good that other women are looking for meaningful friendships too.
“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved.”
Enduring Friendships: Stories from My Life
While some friendships naturally fade, others stand the test of time and life's many transitions. My friendship with Bernice is one such treasure. We met when our daughters were young dancers, forming a connection through those long rehearsals and recitals. Over the years, our friendship deepened through shared experiences and challenges. When I was going through a difficult time, Bernice and her husband opened their home to me, providing not just shelter but the emotional support I desperately needed.
That moment when my friend Bernice and I can go from zero to tears-streaming, stomach-aching laughter over absolutely anything—or nothing at all. These are the friendship moments that make life rich.
Even though we no longer live close enough to see each other regularly, our bond remains unbreakable. We may go weeks without talking, but when we reconnect, it's as if no time has passed. These are the friendships worth investing in – the ones where you know, without question, you can count on each other through life's ups and downs.
Another source of connection in my midlife journey came about 15 years ago when I reconnected with my high school classmates – the "76 Chicks" as we call ourselves (The class of 1976). After decades of limited contact while we raised families and built careers, we found our way back to each other in our 40s and 50s. Though we'd all changed from those teenagers who once roamed the same hallways, there was something profoundly comforting about spending time with people who knew you "when."
We began meeting up a couple times a year, and those gatherings continued until I moved away 11 years ago. Though I'm no longer able to attend the in-person reunions, I stay connected through social media. These reconnections remind me that sometimes the best new friendships can be found in old relationships that have been given room to evolve and mature.
“The ‘76 Chicks”
The Legacy of Friendships
Not all friendships are meant to last forever, and that's okay too. Each person who enters our lives—whether for a season, a reason, or a lifetime—leaves an imprint on our hearts and minds. The childhood friends who taught us how to navigate social dynamics, the college roommate who helped us discover who we truly are, the work colleague who supported us through a challenging project—they all contribute to the tapestry of our lives.
The years I spent running my dance studio and raising my children brought a whole community of "season-specific" friendships into my life. Fellow dance moms who spent countless weekends with me at competitions, sharing hotel rooms, safety pins, and late-night pizza. The parents who volunteered backstage, helping with costume changes and calming nervous dancers. The other studio owners who became both colleagues and confidants as we navigated the unique challenges of small business ownership.
While many of these relationships naturally shifted when I sold my studio and as our children grew older, I treasure the memories we created together. These friendships served their purpose during a specific chapter of my life, providing exactly the support, camaraderie, and understanding I needed at that time.
Even friendships that have faded still deserve to be cherished for what they gave us in the moment. Those shared experiences, inside jokes, and mutual support systems helped shape who we've become. I still smile when I remember riding bikes with friends on the country roads near my house, or my friend Pam teaching me to tumble on an old mattress in the front yard. Those memories are treasures that can't be taken away, even when we've grown apart or taken different paths in life.
As we navigate midlife, there's wisdom in honoring all our connections—past and present—while remaining open to new friendships that align with who we are now. Each relationship, no matter its duration, offers lessons and gifts if we're willing to receive them.
The Blessing of Lifelong Friends
Some people are fortunate enough to maintain friendships that span decades—even entire lifetimes. These rare and precious connections are like the roots of ancient trees, growing deeper and stronger with each passing year. The friend who has known you since elementary school, who remembers your first crush, who stood beside you at your wedding, who helped you through the loss of a parent—these companions carry your history in a way no one else can.
Lifelong friendships offer a unique kind of mirror—reflecting back not just who we are today, but who we've been throughout our journey. There's something profoundly comforting about being truly known, about having someone who understands the context of your life because they've lived alongside you through it all.
If you're blessed with such enduring friendships, cherish them. Nurture them with regular contact, honest conversation, and the kind of unconditional acceptance that comes from decades of shared history. These relationships are rare gifts in our increasingly transient world.
As we navigate midlife, there's wisdom in honoring all our connections—past and present—while remaining open to new friendships that align with who we are now. Each relationship, no matter its duration, offers lessons and gifts if we're willing to receive them.
What unexpected places have you found friendship in your midlife journey? I'd love to hear your stories in the comments below.
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